Chapter 132
Gerard's POV

Everything was going great; Frank and Mikey were going to be fathers, and I was getting married soon. For the first time since being back in the United States it had stopped raining, probably because we were in California. Everyone was just relaxing and having a good time. The mood among the group had been light for a day or so now, and we’d even been getting along with Rich, despite his random messes that caused one of us, usually Frank or me, to yell at him.

It was always for stupid shit, like not throwing the contents of his cereal bowl out before putting it in the sink or sleeping in so late that we‘d miss our check in time at the venue. I was starting to lose patience with him again, but I was keeping that to myself. The last thing I needed was to start a fight with someone. I kept telling myself that whatever was happening wasn’t as big a deal as I thought it was and that I could hold out for a few more tour dates. I was having daily talks with Brian that the others didn’t know about. He kept assuring me that everything would be fine once he met up with us for the next show.

I’d counted down the days until Brian was back with us until finally there was just one more day left. The temperature had hit one hundred before noon, and the guys and I decided to just relax at the venue until five, when Brian would be here. I had decided to relax and take my recent frustrations with Rich out in drawing in the dressing room. I was alone for about an hour, creating a random comic character and plotting out a possible story line when Ray barged in without knocking.

“Mikey’s having an asthma attack.” Ray says to me as he points towards the hallway he just came from. “He’s on the bus. We couldn‘t find his inhaler.” Ray’s panting from running across the venue. I immediately go into emergency mode and run for the parking lot. Frank catches up to us in the hallway and we begin running. Rich, I know, has heard what Ray has just told me, and he’s puzzled as to what is actually going on.

“Wait, what?” Rich asks, confused, as he follows Ray, Frank, and me to the bus. We don’t wait and we don‘t look back. We just keep running.

I find Mikey sitting against the drawers underneath his bunk in the hallway of the bus. There is a pained expression on his face, and the wheezing coming from his tiny body forces my mind to focus. All the guys are looking around for the inhaler as I kneel down beside Mikey and assess the situation.

“Why can’t we ever fucking find it?” Frank asks as he looks under sofa cushions.

“Mikey’s asthmatic?” Rich asks as he stands in the middle of the chaos on the bus. He is acting as if he had no idea this was even possible, and that’s when I know we are in trouble. Brian had to have told him. I mean, how could he not?

“Apparently.” Frank says sarcastically as he searches around the bus for his medicine.

“Mikey, do you have any idea where it may be?” I ask him as I dig through his backpack that I’ve grabbed off his bunk. He shakes a weak no and closes his eyes. “Hey, stay with me.” I yell as I continue digging. It has to be here somewhere…

“Is he okay?” Rich is basically shaking by now, but no one notices.

“Jesus H. Christ!” Ray yells as he looks through the back room of the bus. "This is ridiculous!"

“Should I call for an ambulance?” Rich asks as he holds his phone out in front of him, his hands shaking.

“Did he take it inside with him before?” Bob asks without acknowledging Rich’s question as he looks through the mounds of stuff we have piled on the kitchen counter.

“Bunk.” Mikey chokes out. He's getting worse. I see him try to close his eyes again, but I shake him.

“Just breathe. Is it in your bunk?” He nods and continues to fight through the attack. I jump up and start to search through his bunk, checking the crevices and under the blankets. Finally I hit something plastic when I search against the back crevice between the wall and the mattress. I pull it out, and announce that I’ve found the inhaler. I shake it and had it to Mikey who takes three puffs one after another and tries to gain control over his breathing.

"I had no idea he was asthmatic!" Rich is saying in the background, pacing around the living room area like he's losing his mind.

"Don't worry about it." I say as I place a hand on Mikey's shoulder and make sure that he is okay. He looks frazzled, but I know that he's fine. The guys slowly relax themselves and convene around Mikey and me.

"Dude, you scared the shit out of me." Frank says and rubs his face. "I thought you might stop breathing again."

"He's stopped breathing before?!" Rich asks, seemingly outraged at the whole situation.

“Everything is fine. We all just need to calm down and relax.” I assure everyone. “Rich, don’t worry about this. I can handle it.”

“He’s sick, look at him! Can he even stand up? I’m calling an ambulance.” Rich says.

“No. Rich, I promise you, Mikey is fine. He’s been asthmatic since he was a kid. It’s nothing, really.” I go up to him and close his phone. “I’m serious.”

“I’m calling Brian.” Rich says as he moves away from me and leaves the bus. I forget about Rich and sit next to Mikey who is coughing deep, wheezy coughs as he sits there on the floor.

“Is it going away?”

“Yeah. I just need a few minutes to let the medicine work.” Mikey won’t look at me when I talk to him, and it’s obvious that he’s hiding something.

“Mikes, what’s up? You’re avoiding my eyes.”

“Can you just give me five minutes? I’m still trying to remember how to breathe here.”

“You can breathe just fine. Tell me what’s wrong. I know that something is up.”

“Rich has been smoking on the bus. In the bathroom. I was fine with it until yesterday, when it started to get really hot out. Then this morning I caught him again and with the temperature so high…”

“It affected your breathing.” Gerard says in a kind of sighing way. He doesn’t sound angry or pissed off. Just disappointed.

“I thought the bathroom had been smelling funny lately. Like cinnamon and smoke. Like someone was trying to cover up the smoke smell with air freshener.” Frank says.

“Brian had to have told Rich about your asthma.” Ray says. “How could he not?”

“We can clear this up when Brian gets here.” Bob mentions. “Until then we’re just going to pretend that this isn’t a big deal. Actually, it really isn’t that big a deal. With the tour with Rich over we don’t have much more to worry about…”

“Just a few more hours…” I said, hoping that they’d go quickly.

Chapter 131
Ray‘s POV

“Jamia’s pregnant!” Frank says as he stands in front of the bunch of us on the bus, the grin on his face a mile wide.

“Congratulations!” Everyone says in unison as Gerard goes and hugs Frank. Everyone is smiling now, and Frank seems so full of excitement that he might explode.

“We’re having twins!” he laughs again, almost as if he can’t believe it himself. “Girls!”

It’s the end of April now, and I’m standing here wondering how long Frank has known. “How long have you known?” I ask, smiling because I too am excited.

“Remember when Jamia was really sick the beginning of this tour? It was because she was pregnant. I knew once she knew, but we decided to keep it a secret. We couldn’t keep it a secret for much longer though because she’s starting to show. Can you believe it? I’m going to be a dad!”

“When is she due?” Gerard asks.

“July 6.”

“Alicia and I are having a baby boy.” Mikey yells. Everyone erupts again.

“We should celebrate tonight. Go out to eat.” I say. “Change things up.”

“I’m up for that!” Frank says. Everyone agrees and we go out to the nearest Olive Garden. It’s the first night of our California tour and we have to be back at the venue in two hours. We know we’ll make it, so we take it slow and just relax, enjoying the fact that two members of our band are about to be parents. We’re moving on in our lives, starting new adventures, making room for change. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet a girl that I can call my wife. I guess I was pretty quiet at the table because of this. I had to have been or Mikey wouldn’t have said anything about it. I was happy for him and Frank, I really was. But it made me realize my own loneliness, and that was something I was afraid I’d have to lie with for the rest of my life.

What I’d do for what Frank and Mikey had.

Chapter 130
Alex’s POV

Of course it rains on the day that I have to go and pick Gerard up from the airport. It means that, on top of the traffic I’m sitting in on the Southern State, I also have to deal with people who don’t know how to drive in such horrible weather conditions. It’s dark, rainy, and the roads are slippery. Some people are speeding and others just don’t seem to realize they are driving below the allowable minimum. I just sit back, turn the radio up, and put the car in park as we sit an exit or so away from where I have to get off.

The radio station I’m listening to begins to play commercials. I turn on Z100 and listen for the Z Morning Zoo. I smile when I hear Elvis Duran’s voice broadcasting; it reminds me of the time Brendan and I decided to drive aimlessly. We ended up about three hours away from home at about two in the morning and had no idea where we were. Scared and exhausted, we decided to nap for an hour and try driving back. That hour turned into four, and at around 6 we found a rest stop, grabbed some coffee, and tried to find our way back home. With no idea what exit to get off or which bridge to take one would say we were basically stuck somewhere in the middle of New Jersey. I was worried and didn’t want to call my parents and try to explain. Brendan, however, seemed completely fine with being lost. He just smiled at me and turned the radio on. Z100 was the station he found, and it ended up leading us home.

We spent the next two hours following the voice of Elvis Duran and the rest of his crew, laughing at the phone taps and topics of discussion. That was the morning Brendan detoured us and found his way to Liberty Park. We parked and he asked if I would mind driving us back. He didn’t look so good and I immediately took the wheel. Just as I went to start the car back up he asked if I wanted to watch the sunrise with him. We got out and sat on the hood, my hand in his. It only took a minute for the tears to start rolling down my cheeks, and when Brendan realized I was crying he just pulled me in his arms and started shushing me. “I know, Alex. Believe me, I know.” That’s all he said to me. He didn’t cry, but I could tell by the look on his face that he was willing himself not to. I kept wondering if it was possible to miss someone who was still right in front of you. Somehow we cuddled on the hood of his car and watched the sun rise. When I think back to that day I remember just how surreal it felt. There I was, completely lost, no idea where to turn next or even what sign to follow. My best friend, the only one who remotely understood me, was slipping away before my eyes and there was nothing that I could do about it. We were just two lost teenagers driving around three hours from home with no idea which way to go next.

I’m not sure how we pried ourselves from the hood, but we ended up getting back into the car and I attempted to steer us home. Brendan fell asleep quickly and I kept the Z Morning Zoo on to keep me from pulling over and falling apart. Elvis Duran’s voice kept me calm the whole way back. When I pulled into Brendan’s drive way at about 9 in the morning I woke him up and hugged him before getting into my own car and driving home. I went to bed thinking that maybe things were going to be okay. That maybe I could just forget about all of this for a couple of hours. Later that night Brendan was rushed to the hospital with a fever. Things just spiraled down from there.

Someone behind me honked, and I realized that traffic was starting to move. I put the car in drive and started to roll forward with traffic. Tears were streaming down my face by now, and if it weren’t for the stupid Miley Cyrus song “See You Again” playing on the radio, I would have had to pull over and contain myself. Instead I just started to laugh and think about seeing Gerard.

My phone went off just as I pulled up to the Kiss and Fly Lane at the correct terminal. It meant Gerard was standing outside waiting for me to pick him up. I put the car in park and popped the trunk.

“Alex!” Gerard hit me with a hug so fast that I all I saw coming at me was a blur. My face was burning from all the tears I’d just cried and I was glad that it was raining and covering my tear-stained face. Gerard would have no idea about my little water works session.

“Gerard!” I hugged him back.

“Have you been crying?” he asks me quietly. His tone is a little more sincere now, a little more attentive.

“Yeah, but it’s nothing.” I say and go to say hello to the rest of the guys.

“I missed you.” Gerard whispers into my ear. I know he’s smiling. He’s got that sexy voice going, the one he uses when he’s trying to make me blush.

“I missed you too.” I turn around and kiss him on the lips. “We should get out of this rain.”

“Mmmhmm.” He says as though he is totally lost in a trance as we separate, put his luggage in my trunk, and get into the car. Once we get in he kisses me again. I don’t even get my keys in the ignition before he is trying to kiss me again.

I laughed and said, “You just couldn’t wait, could you?”

Chapter 129
Gerard's POV

After a long European tour it was finally time to get back on the plane and head home. I was ecstatic, mostly because I hadn’t seen Alex in over a month. I was reaching that breaking point where I was ready to just buy a ticket and sneak home before anyone else could realize where I’d gone. The past few weeks had been an emotional rollercoaster and I was pretty sure that the only thing we really needed right now was to see each other.

For some reason I had this Dave Melillo song stuck in my head. “Sam’s Song” had come up on my iPod last night while I was trying to sleep and I guess it was the last song I‘d listened to before I passed out. I’d forgotten how it had gotten on there in the first place, but I didn’t care. The second the guitars started I remembered how great a song it was and how it had found it’s place into my library didn’t even matter.

“And I wonder how much longer I’ll sustain these steps
It’s been a month since I’ve been gone
And it’s been a month too long since you have graced me with your presence
I smell your scent on every single shirt I wear;
I find pieces of your hair stuck to my suitcase
I try to call but the reception here is weak
And it’ll still be three more weeks until I get home

I walk the boards alone tonight and try to fill this empty space inside my chest
I took Atlantic home tonight and every neon light, and sign, spelt out your name
And every morning that I wake
I make a point to check the date incase I slept an extra day
I’ve crossed so many numbers out
But every time I count them there are so much more

I hope you're waiting by the door when I get home
I don’t want anyone to see me here alone
It’s not enough to say “I think about you” now
But that was all I had”

It repeats in my head even though my iPod isn’t on and the airport is ridiculously loud. I’m tired and can barely keep my eyes open, and the sound of my stomach is grumbling is so loud the guys can hear it above the noise at our gate. I have the urge to grab my iPod which is buried somewhere deep in my backpack but my body is so tired all I want to do is sit down and fall asleep. My sunglasses are on and I’m ready to brave the public one last time before I step onto the plane and disappear for a good couple of hours.

We board the plane and I put my iPod on shuffle. A Canadian band comes on called FM Static, and while I’ve never really been a fan, I know Alex loves this song. It’s called “Tonight”, and it’s about this guy who loses the girl he loves to death and is unable to get over it. The song meant a lot to Alex because of Brendan, but to me it was just about a song about a guy on a plane ride home who was reminiscing about the summer he went on tour and met the most amazing girl. Now he’s counting down the hours until he sees her. For some reason, he just can’t stop missing her.

“I remember the times we spent together

on those drives

We had a million questions

all about our lives

and when we got to New York

everything felt right

I wish you were here with me

tonight

I remember the days we spent together

were not enough

and it used to feel like dreamin'

except we always woke up

Never thought not having you

here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up

And every night I miss you

I can just look up

and know the stars are

holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight.”

It reminds him of the night they watched the stars together and how it made him feel like he was seeing them for the first time. New York was where they stayed and questioned their life together. They got engaged and prepared to get married. Then the boy went away on tour, and now all he can do is think about the girl and her smile as his plane jets through the sky and he dreams of holding her.

All of this makes me think of Hayley William’s and how she said, “I love long flights. It's the only time we can relax and truly be disconnected from all the bullshit goin' on around us. You can't get a phone call in a plane. You can't check your email. No meetings, interviews, or anything like that...just eleven hours of letting go and attempting to listen to every album on your iPod. The best part is that here, there is no one to impress. Everyone's just doing the same as you, trying to get from A to B safely and swiftly - as possible.”

Flying is an escape from the world that I wish for often. I finally get to take my sunglasses off and look out the window. It’s sunny out now, but I know that when I get to New York the sky will be dark and I will be exhausted.

It doesn’t matter. It means I get to see her, and right now I can’t help but want anything else.

Chapter 128
Mikey's POV

“Gerard, what’s wrong?” I say and embrace him in a hug. He doesn’t fight it, so I know he’s definitely not in a good state. He just sits there melting against the wall. “Let’s out of this bathroom.” I whisper and try to pull him off of the floor. He listens at once and peels himself away from the wall. I drag him out and eye everyone to let them know I’ve got this under control. They all leave the bus as we make our way into the back room.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Gerard is still sobbing right now as he plops himself down on the leather seat.

“I’m such an asshole.” he sobs. I sit next to him just as he crumbles and falls into my lap. “I lost my ring and Alex hates me for it. How could I lose something to important?”

“We all do stupid things, Gerard. I know Alicia would be mad if I lost my ring, but in the end that’s not what’s important. I mean, if the girl is willing to marry you despite the fact that you tour and travel constantly, I think that’s a little more than enough-”

“She doesn’t want to see me again.” he sobs so loud I’m sure that people outside of the bus can hear it. “I’ve just lost the only girl I’ve ever wanted to marry and all you can say is “we all do stupid things”?”

“Of course she wants to see you again.” I assure him. “Gerard, she’ll get over it.”

“Why aren’t you freaking out and yelling at me?” He’s yelling at me now, and I’m looking at him like this isn’t a big deal. “I lost my fucking ring! That‘s as bad as it fucking gets!”

“Because I found your ring.” I laugh and pull it from my pocket. “It was on the floor by the bunks. I almost sucked it up with the dust buster yesterday when I was cleaning. It must have fell out of your pocket when you took your jeans off or something. Besides, you two aren‘t married. The ring doesn‘t really mean anything yet. Guys aren‘t supposed to wear engagement rings.”

“Alex and I don’t like to do things the conventional way. And I still don’t know how Alex could have found that out so quickly.” He sits up and grabs the ring from me, his tears suddenly disappearing.

“I think that may have been my fault…”

“You called Alex?!”

“No, I mentioned it to Alicia, who must have spilled it to Alex. They talk you know…”

“Alex still hates me.”

“I didn’t mean to cause a problem. I wanted to tell you about it, but we’ve been so busy. I had some things on my mind and the whole ring thing just slipped. Call her and explain to her the situation. I’m sure she’ll get over it faster than you want to believe.”

“She won’t pick up.”

“Then call from mine. We’ll get this worked out, I promise.” I meant it when I said that. Twenty minutes later it was sorted out and Alex and Gerard were engaged again.

Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. That break they took wasn’t about them getting married; it was about seeing if they could live without each other. I’m glad they realized that they couldn’t.

Ray's POV

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone....you'll see when you move out. It just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean, it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

Chapter 126
Gerard’s POV

Everyday is starting to feel exactly like the last. I get my wake-up call at ten and have to be ready by eleven so that I can eat lunch with the guys. From there we usually have press until two and after that we drive to the venue. Sound check ensues until five and we are told to eat the catered dinner and be ready by seven. We warm up a little before the show starts at 8. Then signings and meet and greets until at least one in the morning. It’s usually about three in the morning by the time we get to the town of our next venue if we drive there. It is then that we stumble into hotel lobbies with our bags, find our rooms, and hit the beds so fast that we don’t ever remember arriving. The call wakes us up at ten the next day, and we, having slept less than eight hours, are ready to get back into bed and skip everything until sound check.

And you all thought it was “the life”.

Things were becoming really repetitive, something that always ended up happening on tour. You fall into a routine and adhere to your schedule. Alex and I were sending the same texts and e-mails and instant messages and talking about the same things on the phone. I was sleep deprived, bored, down, and lost.

If you were to ask me where we are right now, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

This happened every tour. It was all part of the business. You’re living a life that doesn’t seem plausible, and yet you find yourself catching flights and cabs as you push your disbelief and perplexity away. There’s really no time for it. With your mind still reeling from the night before and your exhaustion rolling over and piling on top of itself you wonder just how you’re going to get through the next day.

I look tired on stage? It’s because I am.

I went to get a coffee on what I was considering my first hour off in at least four days. It was a Tuesday morning, and the only reason I had the hour was because I couldn’t sleep for the third night in a row and had to get out of bed. I decided that I should take a walk before the others got up so that I could clear my mind and just be alone. My mind instinctively wanted coffee, and so I walked down the street of the hotel hoping to find a Starbucks or something similar. When I walk in and get onto the line no one looks at me. I pull my sunglasses off and put them into my pocket. I see all of the people on line and feel like I shouldn’t be here. I feel insecure all of a sudden, anxious that someone will give me a look or know who I am. I grip the glasses in my pocket and wonder if I should put them on. I relax and pull my hand out. I can handle this.

I just want coffee.

In front of me is a family of three, the mother holding the daughter as she discusses what she wants with her husband. Behind me is a business man in a suit clutching a newspaper as he checks his watch. I feel so atypical as I stand here. Family man, rock star, business man. People don’t understand that I’m all three of those. They think I’m just the middle one, the rock star who gets to pick up and leave whenever things aren’t going how I want them to. This isn’t true. I do this for my family, and I do this because it’s my job. I enjoy every second of it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its downsides.

I order my coffee, sit down at a table near the window, and relax. I need to stop thinking about Mikey and the bag of weed I found in his bag, the trouble we’ve been having with Rich, and my problems with Alex. I dig in my pocket of my jeans for my ring but can’t find it. I check every pocket in both my jeans and jack over and over again until I realize that it’s not there. She was already doubting the fact that we should even be together and now I‘ve lost the ring?

How was I going to explain this one to Alex?

Chapter 125
Gerard‘s POV

It all started when I was twelve and Mikey was nine.  My one regret.  It never goes away.

“Gerard?” I hear Mikey ask from the doorway, his voice low. He sounds scared, and I know that he’s probably just had another one of his nightmares.  I’m pretty sure that he’s going to ask to stay with me for the remainder of the night.

“What’s up?” I ask him, half asleep. I don’t get up from my bed or move from under my covers because I'm too tired to even lift my head.

“I had an attack.” he says and starts to cough. I hear him take a puff of his inhaler and take a few fast-paced breaths. He doesn’t move from the doorway though; I can’t tell if he is scared from the attack or scared to come any further into my room.

“Come here,” I say, still half-asleep, as I pull my covers off and turn on my lamp. Mikey scrambles over and sits on my bed, his inhaler clutched in his left hand like it is his lifeline. “You okay buddy?” I look him over and see that he’s red faced and wheezing pretty hard.

“Yeah.” he says a little too breathlessly, and I've been through this enough times to know that I should wake my parents.

“Did you wake mom and dad?” I ask him as I look him over again. It’s obvious he hasn’t; they’d never let him go back to bed if he sounded like this.

“No.” He shakes his head and inches closer to me, his breath hitching abnormally.

“How many puffs have you taken?”

“Four.” he says. I immediately go to grab his inhaler from his hand. He pulls away. “No!” he whines and pulls it against his chest.

“Mikey, too many puffs isn’t good for you. You know that.” I'm tired and I hate how I have to play doctor right now.  He's my baby brother though, and I know he's counting on me to take care of him. 

“That’s not fair! Please don‘t take it.” he coughs a couple of deep chesty coughs and he loosens his grip on the medicine as he concentrates on breathing.  I know that it's time to wake up my parents.

“We should wake mom and dad.” I insist. “You don’t sound so good.”

"No. Just let me stay with you." he says and clutches onto me. He's shaking a little, and I don't know whether it's because he's had a bad dream or if it’s because he’s had too much medicine.

“Hey,” I say, because he’s starting to cry. “None of that. You’ll make it worse.”

“I had a nightmare.” he whimpers. “I don’t want to be alone. Please let me stay. Please, Gerard?”

“You can stay in here.” I say soothingly as I rub his back. If anyone in this house understood nightmares, it was me. “Shhh. Just relax. I’m here.” I’m too tired to wake my parents up. I just want to go back to bed.

“I can stay?” He calmed down almost immediately, his sniffles signifying his relief.

“Of course.” I said as I pulled my blankets out of the bunch they were in at the end of my bed. Mikey crawled over towards my pillow and laid down, curling himself into a little ball. “Try to get some sleep. If you don’t feel well wake me up right away. I’ll be right here all night.” I pull the blanket over the both of us and turn my lamp off before laying down and falling asleep.

When I woke up the next morning Mikey was still in my bed laying on his side in his little ball with his mouth hanging open. He looked so little, so vulnerable. His inhaler was lying next to him and I could hear the slight wheeze that he had always had trailing every exhale he made. I remembered him telling me he’d had a nightmare last night and that he didn’t want to be alone. The idea of it made me shiver. I didn’t want him to have nightmares like I did. I was hoping it had just been one of those little kid nightmares that are easily forgotten and only happen once in a while. Something told me this wasn’t one of those cases though, and it made my heart sink. Mikey shifted a little in his sleep, his breathing stopping for a moment. I stopped for a few seconds, anxiously waiting for his chest to rise again. Just when I thought I’d have to shake him awake he took an inhalation of air and his breathing became somewhat regular again. I sighed and laid back down, my ceiling staring back at me. The whole asthma thing was so routine, so everyday, that I just couldn’t tell what was serious and what wasn’t anymore. I scolded myself, reminding myself that I should have woken him up and made him take more medicine. I should have made my parents get up the night before and check him out. I should have set up his nebulizer and made sure he was breathing better before he went to bed. I should have told my parents that he‘d had an attack that night. I should have…

If I had he wouldn’t have stopped breathing that night when my parents went out.

Somehow I’d always blamed that one on myself. The night my parents went out and Mikey stopped breathing. I guessed my parents just figured that his wheezing was just like it was every other day and that it wasn’t much to worry about. They didn’t know he’d woken me up after an attack the night before and that I let him go to bed because I was too tired to do anything.  One night that I let my guard down and the next day I almost lost Mikey. My parents never even knew.

But I knew, and I never forgot.

“We have to be there in less than an hour and you‘re still sleeping?!” Frank yells at Rich as he pulls his covers off.  “Dude, this isn‘t even funny.  We have to check out and get going!” 

“What time is it?” Rich asks as he turns over to see the clock.

“I‘m calling Brian.” I say angrily as I go to grab my phone from my pocket.  “Shit.” I mutter when I realize it isn‘t there.  “Mikey has my phone in his backpack.” I leave the room and head for my own.  Frank follows me after muttering a “You better be dressed and ready to go when we get back.”  I've noticed that Frank's been rather edgy lately, and that if he was telling anyone what was going on it'd be Mikey.  I'd asked Mikey about it but Mikey said he didn't see a change in Frank.  What a liar.

“I’m not sure what pocket it’s in.”  I say after I begin digging around the main compartment and come up empty handed.  I think about using Frank's phone to call Mikey and ask him, but I don't make the call.  Things are so crazy right now, with Rich still in bed and Mikey, Ray, and Bob all trying to get back to the hotel after catching breakfast somewhere in the town we're in.  Things were so chaotic with Rich here, it was almost ridiculous.  He was so irresponsible, and it made me so angry. 

“I feel like I’ve become the tour manager for this tour and I’m an actual member in the band!”  Frank starts complaining as though I haven't just made a comment.   "He needs to do his job so that we can do ours!  I know we already told him, but I think he needs another reminder."  I keep looking as he continues yelling about Rich.  When I put my hand into one of the smaller front compartments I feel my phone.  It‘s under a zip-lock bag and I realize that I can‘t pull my phone out unless I take the bag out.  The second I pull it from the pocket and see what’s inside Frank sees it too and says a quick “uh-oh”.

It’s a bag of weed, and it came out of Mikey’s backpack.

I have to close my eyes for a second and hold myself together.  ‘He can’t be doing weed.’ repeats in my head a dozen times.  ‘I’d know.  I’d smell  it on him at night when we bunked together in the hotel.  His eyes would be glassy.  I'd know.  No, this can’t be right.’

It wasn’t like Mikey had never done it before.  Back in High School he had done it every now and then, and I wasn’t one to talk him out of it at the time because I was doing the same if not worse things.  Even when the band first started going places Mikey and some of the other guys were still doing it quite often.  He stopped doing it because it would make his asthma flare up.  At first it wasn't so bad, but then it was like every night we'd find him sitting in the bathroom of the hotel we were staying at with the shower on hot so that the steam could open up his lungs.  He had basically decided early on that it wasn’t worth it anymore.  It was the same with the cigarettes with him.  He just quit one day and never looked back.

Well, at least that’s what I had thought.  Until now.   

“That’s not good.” Frank says to me as if I didn’t already know that.  I open my eyes and take a few deep breaths as I hold the bag in my hands. 

“I can’t believe he’s doing this shit again.” I’m not even angry at him for it.  I can't be angry.  I don't care that some of the guys still do it now and then.  I'm upset for a different reason; I don't want Mikey hurting himself.

“It’s not such a big deal, we‘ve all done it…”

“I’m just surprised.  And worried.  You know what happens when Mikey smokes.”

“You’re going to talk to him about it?”  Frank asks me.  I stare at the bag in my hands and contemplate whether I should even bring it up.

“Yeah, but not right away.  I don’t want him to think I’m angry or anything.  I’m not angry, just concerned.  He shouldn’t even be touching this stuff.” I throw it back into the bag and zipper it shut.  “I’m so confused.  Wouldn’t he know I’d find it if I was looking for my phone?”

“Maybe he forgot.  You know how Mikey gets.” I nod knowingly.  “Don’t sweat it.  Once you talk to him I’m sure it will be fine.” Frank puts his hand on my back and leads me out of the room.

“This shit is too hype for me.” I quote Rich and shake my head.